why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
