guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
