sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
