3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
