tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
