I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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