Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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