My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
