forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She bit a glass in half.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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