I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Two words: blizzard sex
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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