you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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