i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
