Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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