"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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