dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
