Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We don't watch enough power rangers
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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