i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
