Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
