she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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