Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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