I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
