ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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