I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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