There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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