Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
