Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Randomize
