We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
