Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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