Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
