I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
