Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
