Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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