If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
