Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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