Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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