when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
