IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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