everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
