I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
