Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
