I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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