the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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