Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
