i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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