Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Drunk is a universal language darling
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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