Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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