What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
