I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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