you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
