You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
